I was sitting here this morning looking through some of the Facebook posts that I have shared over the last 2 years or so… I realized that I have been on a journey – a hectic journey actually – one that has required me to be brave, to step out of my comfort zone and to stand up for ME…and that is not as easy as it sounds, let me tell you.. it is one thing to say you are going to do something…you are going to stop smoking or gambling or you are going to change your lifestyle and eat healthier, exercise more, or drink less or you are going to leave the relationship that you are in because it no longer makes you happy or sets your soul on fire…do you get what I am saying?
This is some scary stuff guys…it is like taking a plant and ripping it out of the ground by it’s roots…you destroy everything that was part of that plant up to that point…the sand scatters all over the place and some of the roots actually break off…it is a bloody mess and you don’t really know where to even start cleaning it up.
I have just this moment realized how hard this journey has being!!
The next question I ask myself is why? What is the reason for embarking on this journey? I have a stable, relatively easy going life. I enjoy my job, I have a family, what more do I want? Why upset the apple cart when things are actually pretty ok?
There it is…it is like a punch in the groin…things are pretty OK!!! What does that mean? What does OK feel like? Is OK enough to see me through another 20 years? Will OK do when I no longer have a job to keep me busy? Will OK be enough when I have to spend endless days at home with my wife, just the two of us to amuse ourselves? Will I be able to look into the mirror everyday and say to myself…things are pretty OK??
I am sorry…OK doesn’t do it for me, it never has. Drinking coffee instead of tea is OK… the colour on your nails is OK…but I am sorry…life cannot only be OK. If you are no longer excited about waking up every morning and seeing the person next to you, if you are not thrilled about what you have achieved today in your job, if you have nothing to say to your partner after spending the whole day away from him or her…sorry guys…that is NOT OK!!!
I now understand why I have been restless for so long. I stayed to love you and to care for you, to make sure that you were happy and contented…but I did it at the expense of me. It is very hard to admit that you no longer love someone the way you used to, and it is even harder to say it to someone you have loved for years and years…
I left to love myself again… I am sorry that this does not meet with your approval, but if I have learned only one thing during this time it will have to be that I am just as important as anyone else. My happiness and well being is just as important as the next persons and i alone am responsible for making sure that this is the case.
You have the right to be happy…but are you brave enough?