Yes, there you go dude, you are a man and as such you are expected to behave in a certain manner, perform certain roles and functions and in case no one ever told you this…it is a lifelong juggling act, you may not drop the ball and mess this up! You have 1 chance and that is it, if you mess up you go down…down as a failure, a disgrace, an excuse as a figure of strength…down to the very bottom of the pit and that is where you will stay until you manage to pull yourself up again. Yip, they don’t look at everything you did right, no, they judge you on your mistakes. This is some hectic shit guys, but growing up in the 70’s and 80’s was tough and if you didn’t hold your shit together you had some serious trouble to deal with. In those years’ people still believed that the man was to be revered and obeyed…heaven help you if you were weak or you disgraced the male race…
I used to subscribe to all of the above, and I used to punish myself for my shortcomings, but today I am learning that there is only one person that I need to satisfy, one person I need to be true to…ME.
Oh, I can tell you… people don’t like that idea, they don’t like that they have no power over you and your behaviour. They no longer like you as a person, because you are compelled to change and to become a truer version of yourself once you realise that you actually owe them nothing, and they have no problem throwing this in your face. Guess what? I don’t care what they say, or what their opinion of me is, full stop. I am happy to be me and to work on and improve this version of me. The version that got lost along the way and was replaced by a serious, black and white only, don’t fuck with me guy who had forgotten how to have fun, how to laugh and just be happy and contented. Yes I thought I was happy, we all do, we create that reality for ourselves, and then one day through someone or because of something that just clicks this incredible light shines down on you and you can’t hide from it…you see every atom that you are made of, every drop of blood and every tiny little hair follicle. Everything that you are suddenly becomes magnified and it is there for you to look at…it is in your face and you can’t get away with not looking…it is the most magnificent sight you will ever see…well in my opinion anyway. I suppose for some it could be a rather scary experience.
Yes ok, so I am exaggerating a little, but do you get what I am saying? You look into the mirror and there is a stranger staring back at you. You know it is you, your eyes and your looks, but hmmm…there is something missing. Look, this doesn’t come to you all in one glance, it could take days, weeks or even months or years, all depends on how strong your need for denial is. How badly do you need to hold onto the lie in order to keep the peace and the status quo? How desperately do you need to be that controlled man with outdated chains and shackles that hold you to what others think you ought to be? I can so distinctly remember the thought that rushed through my mind when I told someone about my very own luminescent experience…the words that came out of my mouth were: “I am not leaving my wife for this…” I was overwhelmed by the greatest fear I had ever known, while at the same time I was as calm as anything. I did not care for what I had just told my friend, I did not care for the consequences or the fallout. I had to say it…it was burning a hole in my soul, and it was the first time that I had actually being true to me. As a man, it was the bravest thing I had ever done! Ok, so I needed clean shorts and a shot of alcohol afterwards, but that is a story for another time.
So, my question is…how good a juggler are you? Have you cut it as a ‘real man’? What are the life roles and functions that you have juggled? Have you managed to keep all the balls in the air? Have you performed your act to the satisfaction of the significant others in your life?
Or do you long to be true to you as a soul being, a human being, regardless of your gender?
Don’t look at me…you need to answer that for yourself.